10.27.2008

History Will Teach Us Nothing...

Sting sings a song that is titled "History Will Teach Us Nothing" and from that we can draw the famous quote, "History will repeat itself". When history repeats itself I have noticed that it seems to be the bad that comes again and and again.....slavery, human rights violations, cruelty, pain and sorrow. I don't and won't pretend that what happened to me today is equal to any of that but it was a cruel little twist of fate. About seven years ago, the Monday before Halloween I had a Pampered Chef Party. I picked up a close friend of mine and on the way to the party (even though it was my party it was at my then mother-in-laws) she told me she was pregnant. When I got to the party that night my cousin's wife told us she was pregnant. I very flippantly said, "What the heck, every one else is pregnant, I must be too." I knew that I wasn't...I couldn't be.... Well, it just so happens that I was pregnant. I found out on Halloween.
I got a text today. One of my very close friends that also has PCOS found out she was pregnant. I am a shitty friend because I'm supposed to feel happy and it's not that I don't but once again all of the anger builds up. I am not angry at her. I am not angry at the baby. I am happy for them. I'm just insanely jealous and angry that it wasn't me. And here lies the twist of fate. Seven years later. ....it's the Monday before Halloween and I'm having a Pampered Chef Party. I just found out a very close friend of mine is preggo and my sister in law who is pregnant is coming tonight. But this time I know there is no hope for Halloween. I am recovering from surgery and apart from the negative I got at the beginning of the month, they also did a pregnancy test right before surgery.....so now i know it's doubly negative......nice......
There is a hole
Inside my heart
That's waiting just for you
your little arms
your little toes
your eyes and nose and mouth
this hole i have
it will never go
it can't be cured
it can't be filled
by anyone
or anything
except for you
my little dream
Baby Walston - I will never give up hope - you and your brother are and will be the best loved children ever.....

10.23.2008

And This Your Weekday Update.....

I haven't blogged for awhile because it has taken me awhile to process all that is going on with us. I have had a hard time dealing with it and so i have come to realize that while i have a lot of updating to do, I also have to make a slight shift in my blog for the time being.....first things first....

The last time I blogged was the day before I went to have my HSG test done. I really hope that I don't have to have another one of them done anytime soon. It wasn't painful but it was very uncomfortable and definitely NOT on my top ten list of things to do again. They basically stuck a tube inside of me and shot a stained liquid (the proper name is escaping me right now) inside my uterus and my tubes. I watched on the screen as the liquid spread. My uterus and fallopian tubes filled up which showed that there were not obstructions present. A good thing....yes. It was very uncomfortable for the next hour or so. I felt sick and bloated until all of the liquid either found it's way back out of me or absorbed into my body. I went home and curled up in bed for awhile. I feel so defeated sometimes. It was a step closer but it was also just another hoop to jump through....i wish it could have all just been done....

Things have changed drastically for us in the last few months and we have had to put aside any progress in our path toward parenthood. Glenn's dad made some very drastic decisions which caused us to have to move (almost overnight) back to PA and we are now living with my parents. We had to leave our jobs, find a home for our dog, pull Owen out of school and re register him in PA....ugh....and again we had to put on hold our dreams. We have found part time jobs at this point but have many things to deal with and think through before we can ever even entertain the thought of starting the process over again. i hurt...i have always tried to be as honest as i can when i write. I'm scared....i don't know if our dreams will ever come true. This is the way it has been for Glenn and i since the beginning. We feel like we are taking a big step forward and then something slams us in the face and we are knocked back 10 steps. It becomes very frustrating and difficult. Soon after we moved back to PA, the family was together and Glenn was kicking soccer ball with my little nephew out in the driveway. I had to leave....I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and just cried my eyes out. I wanted so bad for that to be our child that he was playing with. Every time we are with my nephews i see how much love Glenn has for them and how much love he has for Owen and it is hard to understand why we can't have one of our own to love.

I just had to have surgery. I needed to have my gallbladder out and a hernia repaired. About two weeks before surgery i started having extreme tenderness in my breasts. I wasn't sure what was going on because the idea of having my period two months in a row was insane. When I was pregnant with Owen that was my first clue. I waited a week and the pain still persisted. I knew I was facing surgery and I knew that if i was really pregnant they would have probably caught it on some kind of test they had done but I needed to know for sure. I bought a test even though I knew in my heart it was going to be negative just like all of the rest (except Owen's of course).

i took it and it was negative
i added it to the proverbial pile of negatives
the next day i found out my sister in law is pregnant again
the next day the pain stopped
the day after that i got my period

Many things and feelings intertwined in those last few sentences. I wasn't surprised it was negative and really now is the worst time possible for us to have a baby but it would have been such a blessing too. It would have been some kind of sign that maybe just maybe everything was going to be okay. As far as finding out about my brother and sister in law. I was crushed....but i tried to put on a brave face. I am really happy for them...it has nothing to do with them....it has everything to do with again the reminder that "they can" and "we can't" and how inadequate I feel as a woman. I know that if my sister in law reads this she will understand. We have had many conversations about it and I also know that if she has a problem with what I say here she will come to me and we will talk because we just have that kind of relationship with each other. How am I gonna react to the baby when it comes? I'm really not sure. I want to be the best aunt to all of my nephews that I can be....i will find the strength...I always do. It was good for Glenn and I to hear the news though because we came home that night and talked for quite a bit. He shared a lot of feelings with me and we were able to comfort each other and that was good. I need him and his strength and for both of us to be able to hold each other up. I do wonder thought what was going on at the beginning of the month. It still seems strange. Is it possible that I miscarried?

So where my blog goes from here....we obviously are not taking active steps toward having a baby but I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and Hypoglycemia and what I can do to get my body in the best shape that I can so that when we are ready to start treatments again I know that I have done everything in MY power to get my body to where it needs to be. I am going to try to keep sharing health issues and research and diet and exercise tips that I have found and uncovered in my reading so that if anyone is actually reading this blog they may be helped along the way too.....

8.20.2008

Blood test results.....


Bear with me....this is going to be a long post.

Okay...last week I got a ton of blood work done. Today I got my results in the mail. I had several abnormal results. I set out to see what they meant on the wonderful world wide web. The first several were all related and fell under the CBC that I had done.


MCH - Mean Corpuscular Hemoglobin Ref. Range 27.5 - 33.5
Measures the amount of hemoglobin in red blood cells. Both hemoglobin and hematocrit are used to calculate this number. Low levels indicate anemia. Mine was low - 26.1


RDW - level is increased and the MCV level is normal. This can be caused by the beginning stages of a decrease in vitamin B12 or folic acid (a type of vitamin) in the body. It can also be caused by the beginning stages of iron deficiency anemia. Mine was high - 17.5


Both of the results made perfect sense to me. I have been dealing with being anemic since my gastric bypass surgery but I stopped taking my iron when I started on Prenatal pills because I thought I would receive enough through them. I guess I was wrong....back on the iron. B12 deficiency is also something that gastric bypass patients deal with. I have been taking B complex supplements as well.

This is the part that really fit together and made sense. Here is an article that I found online. I got tears in my eyes when I read it. I don't know why. I guess because it all made to much sense. Here it is....


Blood Sugar Levels and Infertility - Are they related?


Copyright 2001 by Lee James, used with permission.



Do your eyes burn so bad at times, that you think to just pluck them out would be much less painful than keeping them open? Or do you sometimes feel so nauseous in the middle of the morning or afternoon, that you actually convince yourself you must be pregnant to feel so sick? How about dizziness? Or headaches? Or have you experienced a racing heart, a flushed face and sweaty palms? Or do you have a grumpy demeanor for no reason at all at times?
All of these, can be, and usually are, symptoms of either hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia. Hypoglycemia is commonly referred to as "low blood sugar", or problems with your blood sugar dropping unusually low after a meal. This sudden drop in blood sugar, often causes symptoms, which although may vary for each individual, often include, a sudden feeling of tiredness, burning eyes, a feeling of lethargy, and often times a headache and/or dizziness.
Hyperglycemia is typically defined as the opposite of hypoglycemia. It is "high blood sugar", meaning your blood sugar usually spikes too high sometimes after a meal, and sometimes in-between meals. Hyperglycemia can often be detected by a feeling of nervousness or jitteriness, a racing heart and pulse, sweaty palms, and also a headache.
Both of these conditions are caused by an imbalance in blood sugar levels and both can be equally destructive. As well, it is rare to experience one without eventually experiencing the other. More often than not, you will experience one or the other much more frequently, and the other form only occasionally. But be aware that both hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia cause many health related problems and can eventually cause diabetes if left untreated.
What you may ask, does this have to do with infertility?
Well, a lot. Hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia are caused by your body’s difficulty to maintain satisfactory insulin levels. Heredity plays a big part in your body’s ability to maintain these levels, and some people are born with a condition called insulin resistance. For many of you with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, insulin resistance is a term you are very familiar with.
Insulin resistance is a condition where the cells of your body do not effectively receive the insulin your body produces. Therefore your cells trigger your brain to produce even more insulin thinking there is not enough. The end result is an overproduction of insulin. And since insulin is a hormone, the result is a hormone imbalance. This hormone imbalance can then cause any number of side effects from cysts on your ovaries, to overgrowth of bodily hair, to random swelling of your breasts, to very painful menstrual like cramping. But the key here is the hormonal imbalance.
Unfortunately, all our hormones are intricately linked together and a disturbance with one, can cause a rippling effect with all the rest of your hormones, including your estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels. These hormone imbalances are what lead to infertility. And since insulin is a hormone, it is very important to recognize the role it plays when trying to achieve pregnancy. And likewise, since hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia are caused by unsatisfactory insulin levels, it can only lead one to the conclusion that controlling these conditions as much as possible can only aid in the quest for fertility. And not only fertility, but also the betterment of your health and well being in general.
But how do you go about controlling hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia? Well to be honest, it will take a lot of work and a lot of perseverance on your part. It will take a lot of trial and error and a great deal of getting to know your body - of being able to read the signs your body is giving you and knowing what to do when you recognize those signs. It will be a daily battle, and it will be something you will fight the rest of your life. But acknowledging the condition, and committing to the fight, is half the battle as they say. And the fight is definitely worth the effort when you consider the devastating impact of leaving hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia unchecked.
There are several medications out there that can aid in insulin resistance and concurrently aid in hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia such as metformin. However, every person’s body is different, and not everyone will react the same.
For myself, my six-month stint with Metformin did virtually nothing to improve my insulin resistance. For others, it is all they need to obtain a good hormone balance and then pregnancy. All I can do is offer you tips and explain how my body acts and reacts and hope that you might find something useful in my words that will help you control your hypo or hyperglycemia, and hopefully lead you to a well (hormonally) balanced body and mind and eventually to pregnancy.
For myself, my main difficulty is hypoglycemia, with occasional hyperglycemia. After several years of trial and error I have learned to read my symptoms and trigger foods and have found many ways to combat and/or prevent the symptoms of hypoglycemia.
Eat protein with every meal (meat, eggs, nuts, cheese, milk, etc.) (This is especially important for breakfast and lunch).
Avoid sugar (this includes fruit and fruit juices. Or if you’re like every other woman in the US and just can’t pass up the chocolate, eat sugar with a meal, and preferably with protein, to counterbalance the effect sugar will cause).
Eat carbohydrates cautiously, and if possible combine with protein.
Avoid snacking and in-between meals, (or if you must, snack on something containing protein or complex carbohydrates, such as whole grain crackers or beef jerky).
Avoid simple carbohydrates and stick to whole grains, oats, and vegetables, as these will take longer for your body to burn off, and your blood sugar will not peak as quickly or dramatically and then crash just the same.
Exercise. (It has been proven to help balance insulin levels, by increasing blood flow through your cells.)
Take vitamins. (Vitamins such as E, C, B, Calcium, Potassium, and a daily multi-vitamin, help to balance sugar levels, and fortify your cells).
Ultimately, if the food you are eating is not right for your body, you will be able to tell by how your body reacts.
Consequently, this is where the trial and error comes in. Everyone’s bodies will react differently to individual foods. So pay close attention to what you are eating and when. Eating foods that take longer to burn off such as protein and complex carbohydrates will prevent the sudden rise and fall in blood sugar levels that sugars and simple carbohydrates will cause. For when your blood sugar suddenly falls, or "crashes", is when you will experience symptoms of hypoglycemia. For many people these symptoms come about an hour or two after eating, and for some who are severely hypoglycemic such as myself, they can come as quickly as 10 minutes after a meal. The important thing is to recognize what foods trigger this reaction, and then avoid them if possible.
Although at the moment you may not even realize you have hyperglycemia or hypoglycemia, I encourage all of you women trying to get pregnant to really listen to what your bodies are telling you. Instead of dismissing the signs and symptoms you are having as mere feelings of fatigue or illness, try really hearing what your body is saying and focusing on your overall health. Ultimately, it will be the state of your health that will determine the state of your fertility.


So prior to surgery I was borderline diabetic and now I'm hypoglycemic. Can't I just be normal???? Why does this all have to be such a struggle and what is wrong with my body. Ugh...I feel even more doctors visits and blood work in my future. My arms haven't cleared up from the last batch yet.


Tomorrow I go to the Imaging Center so they can check out my fallopian tubes. Crossing my fingers that this doesn't get even more involved......





8.17.2008

Never, never, never give up!


Winston Churchhill's famous college grad speech......"Never, never, never give up!"


Of sandcastles and butterflys.....



This email was in my mailbox this morning. It's from another friend of mine who unlike me has not been given the chance to love even one child of her own....don't get me wrong. She loves her step son with all her heart but unless you've been there you can't understand that it's just not the same......Thank you sweetie.


hey, i had this poem in my blog archives... so i'm not sure if you've ever seen it. anyway, cool seeing you friday!!!

Holding on to Hope

As little girls with well loved dolls,
we dreampt of being "Mommy".
As teenagers with the hope of love,
we named each child so secretly.
As loving wives we have waited
for these dreams, so patiently.
And as it stands, there is still hope,
but it comes and goes so easily.

As the butterfly comes to visit,
but flutters away the very next instant...
So is the hope for many.
As the dawn promises the day,
just for dusk to take it away...
So is the hope for many.
As castles of sand stand tall,
'till the tide, as is life, dictates "that's all"...
So is the hope for many.
And as the days pass,
it becomes harder, and harder still-
to play in the sand,
to look to the sunrise,
or notice the butterfly at all.
And so is the hope for me.

Pen in hand, I wonder...
What is there to say?
I know I am not alone, but oh!
doesn't it so often feel that way?
Go ahead and say it is my fault-
I already feel that you do.
I don't blame you for not understanding,
You don't really know unless it's you.

But it's here that I find true release,
because you each know what it's like.
I know I'm not the only one who's done their time
being the Nanny, not the Mommy...
the Caregiver, not the Mommy...
the Teacher, not the Mommy...
the Step-Mom, not the real Mom...
or perhaps, the "Greatest Aunt in the World".

And what of God, in all of this?
Lord, I think we've suffered long enough.
Wasn't it You who placed the longing in us?
Oh, to hear my own child say "Mommy".
I've heard that You will sometimes place
a weakness where there is a strength,
So I thank You, kindly, for the compliment...
but where is my baby?

Where is life as I had hoped,
Where is the life of my dreams?
If one more person says to me,
"Oh you are so young, you have plenty of time."
I am seriously going to scream.
I spend my days counting down to "30",
I never have to worry about "the tide"...
it never comes.
And I've grown awfully fond
of the hair on my chin.
(yeah, right)

So, where is my hope?

There is hope in juicing carrots,
There is hope in drinking barley,
There is hope in organic raw foods,
There is hope in the pavement under my feet...
Every step of the journey, is the journey, afterall.
There is hope in the love of my husband,
And the promises of my God.

And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those
who love Him-
Give thanks in all circumstances-
Seek first His kingdom
and His righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you-
I can do everything through
Him who gives me strength.-
By His stripes, I am healed.

Ladies, we have been so brave.
We have dreampt so big.
We have held onto hope with both hands.
It's time to open those hands,
and share our hope with each other.
One day we just might be
chasing butterflies with our daughters,
and building sandcastles with our sons.

8.15.2008

So Much for Fun and Frolic.....

So if i ever see another butterfly needle it will definately be to soon. After 6 vials of blood yesterday and So if I ever see another butterfly needle again it will be to soon. I'm sure I will see another one shortly. I mean 11 or 12 vials of blood in two days couldn't possibly be enough. My arms arm both sore. The lady blew out my vein on the one side so I a have big bruise on one side and it's all hard underneath the skin. Lovely. I basically look like I've been shooting Smack without the benefit of the high. I was told I needed to make an appointment today to get more blood drawn because I had to do a fasting 2 hour glucose test. Yeah....the kind you do when your pregnant. So I took the 7 am appointment because it was right when they opened and since I was going to have to take my 6 year old with me I figured we would be the first ones and then we wouldn't have to wait anymore then the two hours. In theory that all should have worked just as I planned. We got there at 6:55 and there were 6 people already waiting. I didn't know you had to camp out the night before to be the first person in line. I'm still not sure why I had to make a 7am appointment because they never even registered me until 7:45. They took me back and took 5 or so (i lost count) vials out of one arm and then gave me this nasty drink. I had 5 minutes to drink it. I tasted like really really really really really sweet orange kool aid. After all of that my time could start. So needless to say, we didn't get out of there until after 10 o'clock. My son was a trooper. I had him pack a bag with a bunch of things to do and he did really well. It probably also helped that I promised him Pizza Hut afterwards! I was starvin after all I hadn't eatin at all yet.
They called from Shady Grove and said we had to reschedule Glenn's appointment to the following week because their andrologist wasn't going to be in that day.....grrrrrrr. He had already asked off work and I had rearranged my schedule. Okay...so we did that and I have my HSG scheduled for next Thursday. I have to also start on birth control pills for the next 3 weeks. They want to see if that will help to dissolve the cyst that is on my ovary. After 3 weeks they want us to go in and meet with Dr. McKeeby again. I don't know where we will go from there. And these are the days of our lives.........

8.14.2008

And so it goes.....


Well, Monday afternoon I got my period. Yes, it finally came. I had no clue it was coming. No cramping or bloating. It was just there. I called Shady Grove and set up my day 3 appt. I just got back from it now. I needed to be in at 7:30 and when I got there it was packed. There was hardly a place to sit in the waiting room. Apparently it was the place to be and I didn't even know it. I sat waiting for the nurse to call my name and I started to look around the room. There was no rhyme or reason to the people sitting there. Not that I expected there to be but I guess it just hit me looking around. Some women were young and some older and all different colors and sizes. It was almost like someone rolled a dice and said, "You, you and you, step to the right. You will have the struggle of infertility in your lives. Everyone else to the left." and there we were. No one looked very happy and after all I guess no one probably was really excited about sitting in a fertillity clinic. I mean of course the dream of having a baby is wonderful but it's the getting there that sucks. Oh and there is something else I have been thinking about this week too. I was perusing some infertility forums and message boards on the computer. Maybe I was hoping to find a magic cure or some support or just another reminder that there are other people in the world dealing with what we are dealing with. I started to feel really bad for the frustration I have had and the feelings that encompass this whole ordeal. There are couples out there that have tried for 10 years or more - pills, injections, IUI, and several rounds of IVF only to end up with nothing...no baby....no gold at the end of the rainbow. It makes me feel selfish that I am as frustrated as I am. Yeah I have been trying to have a baby for years but I haven't actually been actively persuing it for all that time...not in fertility treatments anyway. I got frustrated again today because I thought we were going to be able to start medication this cycle but I guess we won't be able to. I will probably have to induce my period next month and then go from there. In the grand scheme of things for us though that is only one month not 8 years and definately not the end of the line. I knew this was going to take time....Ijust don't want it too. The other thing I noticed that I really never thought about before is that I probably fit more nicely into the Secondary Infertility catagory since I have my little miracle child. I started to think of the contrast between Secondary Infertility and those that are point blank infertile (like I was told I'd be). I guess I feel guilty too that I am so anxious to have another baby when there are women that just want their first one. Ok....so I started thinking about the pro's and con's of both (as if one is any better then the other).

Here is what I came up with.....


Infertility-

Pro's

-they have never felt a baby grow in them so they don't know what they are missing and how wonderful it feels.

-they don't know how it feels to have a child born to them and what a bond that creates and how much we wish it to happen again.


Con's

- They have never even once had the chance to feel the miracle of life growing inside of them.

-They have never gotten that BFP (big fat positive) or the joy and excitement that comes with it.

-They have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative.......

-They have never had the excitement of their child coming into the world....not even once.



Secondary Infertility

Pro's

- I have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative BUT there was a suprise Positive in the middle of them

- I know what it's like to feel the excitment of finding out that I am pregnant.

-I know what it is like to feel my child inside of me, to give birth to it and to hold MY child in my arms.

-I have had the opportunity to watch my child grow and learn and develop and will have that for many years to come.

-I can wrap my arms around my little man whenever I want.


Ok....i need to wipe the tears out of my eyes......


Con's

- All of the things that I listed above as Pro's because I have had that experience and I know how wonderful it feels and I know what I am missing.

-The frustration of "if my body could do it once then why the hell can't it do it again."

- The return of negative after negative after negative....."Sorry your not a winner this time but please try again."


My conclusion.....they both suck, really suck and cause lots of pain and hurt but for very different reasons. I guess I feel like I should be thankful that I had that experience once and I am....I really am but I want to be able to share that with Glenn too. I want that to be a part of our lives and to complete us as well. I guess I'm just being selfish in the end.

So...back to today. I got 6 vials of blood drawn for testing. I believe it was an STD panel and hormone levels again. I am supposed to be getting the results when Dana calls this afternoon. I know the STD test will all come back negative but I'm curious to see what she has to say about my hormone levels. I came home and sceduled blood work for tomorrow morning. I have to do a 2 hour glucose test. I did one when I was pregnant with Owen. Basically I will have to drink this nasty drink and then sit there for two hours and then they can draw the blood. There are some other blood tests that go along with that as well. Between the cycle days 6-12 I have to go to the imaging center and they with check my fallopian tubes. I guess by MRI....I'm not sure. Anyway, next Wed. we have an appointment for Glenn to drop off his sperm sample and he has bloodwork that he needs to have done too. I think his is the STD and hormonal set that I had done today. And after that we can breathe....no more tests for a little while I don't think. After all of that is done we meet with Dr Mceeby again for some more talk. I guess we will take all the "evidence" and decide where we go from there. That wore me out just writing it! Busy times....but that's good because it means we are progressing one step at a time.

8.10.2008

Insert Jepordy Song Here......

I finished taking my Provera a week ago today and I haven't gotten my period yet. I don't even feel like it's coming. I had thought I remembered someone previously telling me that it could take up to a week after completing the pills for your period to start. I called Dana on Fri and she said it could take up to two weeks....so I guess I have another week in front of me. I don't remember it ever taking this long for me to get my period after taking the Provera. My mom and I were joking on the phone that my period isn't coming because I am already pregnant....wouldn't that be something. I'm sure it's not an issue...they would have caught it somewhere between the blood work and the ultrasound that I had done the other week I'm sure. Anyway....the wait continues...feeling impatient and sad today.

7.24.2008

Another Step Toward Oz


Sooooo....follow the yellow brick road. What is the next step? I called Dana (our case nurse, by the way, I love that we have assigned nurses. It helps us feel more comfortable.) and she said that the next step would be to wait. (WAIT!?!?!? WAIT???? But I don't wanna.....)
I figured this was going to be her response. She said I needed to wait until I was late again (probably about the 21st of July) and call to set up a "no menses" appointment. So I did. Simple as that. Yesterday I went into Shady Grove at stinkin 7am in the morning to have blood drawn as well as a "baseline" ultrasound done. One of the things the blood tests were checking for was my progesterone level. If my progesterone level was high it would mean that I had ovulated and my period was coming right around that corner. (HA! fat chance). If my progesterone level was low it would mean just the opposite and I was supposed to take Provera to induce my period. Lovely. I had been on this medication several times before and it makes me sick but that is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. (Just a side note, you may have heard of Depo-Provera shots for birth control....just the opposite of what I would be taking. It stops your periods.) I was supposed to wait to fill the prescription until a nurse contacted me with the results. (As if we don't all know what the results are going to be.)
The ultrasound....the ultrasound was done to form a baseline for the doctor to follow in the future. The tech explained to me that they would measure my uterus and check out my ovaries and so on and so forth. I could see the screen as I laid there all comfy (NOT!) but of course I had no idea what I was looking at. When she looked at my left ovary she told me it looks like I have two cysts on it. She explained that they are fluid filled pockets on the ovaries and they come and go. Nothing to worry about. (What if she's wrong.....wait...that's a bridge I don't need to cross yet.) Ok....she was done...that was it. Off to work I go.
I got the call I was waiting for mid afternoon. The nurse told me that, and this is exactly what she said, "It looks like a period is nowhere in the near future for you." To which I replied, verbatim, "Shocker!" (dripping with sarcasm of course.) She laughed and said to fill my prescription. So that is where we are in the process. I need to take the Provera for 10 days and then my period should start. I need to call them on day one to set up an appointment for day 3 so they can do more testing. Sooooo here's to modern medicine.....could someone please pass the Provera bottle?

7.04.2008

Another peek into my mind...

We got the letter in the mail about our insurance covering our prescreening. I think we got it last week and it took me until this Wednesday to call Shady Grove to find out our next step. I kept forgetting to call for some reason. This is so important to us and I kept forgetting and I couldn't understand why. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I am more scared then I have let on. Scared to proceed because it may fail again. Scared to hear bad news. Scared to be slapped in the face AGAIN with the reality of our situation. Scared that we will not be able to have the child/children we so desperately want. I am scared to death that it just won't happen for us. As Glenn would say "let's not put the cart before the horse" but as a woman I think it is so difficult to feel that your body is failing in this way. I think or I have heard that men feel like their manhood is in question if they can't reproduce but for woman that maternal pull is so strong that it is difficult to deal with. I think there is a certain comfort in sitting here at the computer and typing entry after entry about how I CAN'T have children. How I have looked at 20,000 negative pregnancy tests. There is a certain comfort in not dealing with it. I did call Shady Grove and left a message with our nurse but she is out of the office until Monday so we will wait and see what the next step is.
The other thing that has been haunting me and has been ever since I had gastric bypass is the whole issue of my weight. I was standing in front of the mirror the other day and realized that I am petrified to gain weight. My weight has been an issue all of my life and 2.5 years ago I had gastric bypass and lost 140 pds. Most people think that gastric bypass is the easy way out but it isn't and it isn't a cure all. It helps you get the weight off but it is possible to stretch out your stomach again and gain your weight back. I am terrified to gain weight again because I don't want to end up where I was. I know this probably sounds so selfish and I realize that it is. What could be more wonderful then our baby and I know in the long run it would be worth it all and more besides but it is definitely something I am going to have to deal with and work through. People tell me that if I breast feed and watch what I eat while I'm pregnant I'll be fine but that didn't work the first time. I didn't lose weight after. I kept gaining and gaining until I could hardly walk. I have been trying to watch my weight and lose a little extra that I have put on since surgery. I have lost 5 pounds since our wedding in May. I would like to loose 5 more pounds and I'll be happy....just more things that are running through my mind....


6.26.2008

To have loved and lost.....

I got an email today that absolutely floored me. One of my friends emailed me and opened up to me about some very personal things. I feel blessed that she was able to tell me about these things. I asked her if I could repost her email here and she agreed. I wanted to post it here because it helped me refocus. I have never been in this situation and I hope I never am. God bless her and her little girls. They say that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.....I'm not so sure that's always true:

I am posting this in remembrance to two very precious lives and those they touched:

Okay. Good. I know that I was talking about pregnancy with you and I didn't know if that upset you. The reason I only have one child is because in 2000 I was pregnant with girls and I was so excited. I went into premature labor when I was 7 months and there due date was July 11th. I gave birth to them and they only lived a short time. One lived for 3 days and the other for a little over a week. One had a heart condition, the other developed an infection. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. The anniversary of their would be birthday is coming up and it is very difficult for me around this time. My boyfriend ( who would have been the girls father) is taking me away that weekend because he knows it is a hard time for me. It is also hard when the date of their "birth" comes around but that has already passed. My girls are buried in the same cemetery as my father and my brother so I like to think that they take care of each other. My daughters names are Mia Christina and Lillie Ana and I really miss them. They were a week away from being 8 months when they were born. I know that is why my boyfriend is afraid for me to get pregnant again because he is afraid of the same thing happening. I go to visit them when i visit my dad and my brother. I also visit them on the day they were "born". My family says it is unhealthy but I don't know what else to do, I just don't want to forget them. For a brief time they were here, a part of the world, a part of life, and they will always be a part of me. Every year for earth day my son and I plant 2 trees in honor of them. Well, I'm rambling on, I'll talk to you soon.
XOXOXOXO

My Twisted Mind

DISCLAIMER: This entry was not written to make anyone feel bad or for people to tiptoe around me or avoid certain topics after reading this. I love all my friends and am so happy for each of them and their little ones. I am trying to write this blog as honestly as I possibly can and this is a part of my life.......the large majority of the time I am fine but there are times when it all catches up to me.

I am currently cleaning houses for a living until I can finish my medical transcriptioning courses. The other week I went to a new client's home. She greeted me at the door. She was a sharp looking woman, dressed nicely and I would have never noticed that she had just had a baby. She was very nice and showed me around, telling me what she wanted done. We went upstairs and we walked right into the baby's room and there he was sleeping in the bouncy seat on the floor. She started gushing about her lil baby and how much she loves him and how cute he is and all I could get out was, "Awwww....how old is he?" Turns out he is 8 weeks old. She is a first time mom and is entitled to gush....every mom is entitled to gush. I'm sure I did it and I'm sure I will do it again too. My problem was I wasn't mentally prepared for it and it slammed me in the face and took me to a not so good place. Later she brought the baby downstairs and walked right up to me and said, "Here he is up from his nap." Again I was forced to croon over the baby as my heart sunk deeper and deeper. I cried the whole time I cleaned the baby's room. I couldn't help it. It just got the best of me. I went downstairs when I was finished and her and her husband were sitting in the kitchen talking to the baby. She said to the baby, "What are you trying to tell us? Are you trying to tell us that you are just the cutest baby in the world?" I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I just needed to get away. Several of my friends have just had babies and I am so happy for them. In no way am I vengeful or upset about the blessings in their lives. They have done nothing to upset me or frustrate me at all and really neither did this couple. I love hearing about the babies and the newest "stage" they are going through but sometimes I just can't handle it as well as others and that is on me.....it has nothing to do with anyone else. It is just something I need to deal with and process with in my life and like I said before I'm sure I will do the same thing when I'm a mommy again. Heck, I probably still do it with Owen because I am intoxicated with that kid and I am so proud of him.

Anyway.....I can't remember the last time I got my period back to back in a month. I think I was a teenager....well no actually it was when I got pregnant with Owen. For six months my body kicked into motion and did all the right things. It hasn't at all since then. As long as I am not on birth control I don't get regular periods. I had 4 in the last year. So last Friday I woke up and had my period. What the heck???? I was still like two weeks late but it was there. I had to laugh at the irony for a second. The one time I want my period to hold off so I can have it induced and do the testing I need done it comes. I called the fertility clinic and of course my insurance hadn't responded yet so I will just have to let this one ride and wait until next month to induce and have the testing done. GRRRRRRR...... It seems like this is the way my life has been going lately. Yesterday we got the letter in the mail saying that the insurance will cover the prescreening for Glenn and I but will not cover IUI or IVF. I have to check into that a little more and see why because I thought Maryland was one of like 5 states where they covered things like that. It may just be that they won't cover it at this point because we haven't jumped through 90,000 hoops yet. I'm not even worried about that at this point. I am just glad that it covers what it does for starters and we will think positively and go with the doctors inclination that we won't even need to go that far. We shall see.....I have to call the clinic again and see what we do from here. I know I need to get a pap done (oh...i can't wait......NOT) but I'm not sure after that. Okay...I'm done being long winded for today......

6.18.2008

About PCOS

This information comes by way of womanshealth.gov

What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:
high levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
missed or irregular periods
many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

How many women have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
About one in ten women of childbearing age has PCOS. It can occur in girls as young as 11 years old. PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility (not being able to get pregnant).

What causes polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
The cause of PCOS is unknown. Most researchers think that more than one factor could play a role in developing PCOS. Genes are thought to be one factor. Women with PCOS tend to have a mother or sister with PCOS. Researchers also think insulin could be linked to PCOS. Insulin is a hormone that controls the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body to use or store. For many women with PCOS, their bodies have problems using insulin so that too much insulin is in the body. Excess insulin appears to increase production of androgen. This hormone is made in fat cells, the ovaries, and the adrenal gland. Levels of androgen that are higher than normal can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, and problems with ovulation.

Does polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) run in families?
Most researchers think that PCOS runs in families. Women with PCOS tend to have a mother or sister with PCOS. Still, there is no proof that PCOS is inherited.

What are the symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Not all women with PCOS share the same symptoms. These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:
infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
ovarian cysts
acne, oily skin, or dandruff
weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
high cholesterol
high blood pressure
male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
pelvic pain
anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Why do women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have trouble with their menstrual cycle?
The ovaries are two small organs, one on each side of a woman's uterus. A woman's ovaries have follicles, which are tiny sacs filled with liquid that hold the eggs. These sacs also are called cysts. Each month about 20 eggs start to mature, but usually only one matures fully. As this one egg grows, the follicle accumulates fluid in it. When that egg matures, the follicle breaks open to release it. The egg then travels through the fallopian tube for fertilization. When the single egg leaves the follicle, ovulation takes place.
In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. Follicles may start to grow and build up fluid. But no one follicle becomes large enough. Instead, some follicles may remain as cysts. Since no follicle becomes large enough and no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Plus, the cysts make male hormones, which also prevent ovulation.

Does polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) change at menopause?
Yes and no. Because PCOS affects many systems in the body, many symptoms persist even though ovarian function and hormone levels change as a woman nears menopause. For instance, excessive hair growth continues, and male pattern baldness or thinning hair gets worse after menopause. Also, the risks of complications from PCOS, such as heart attack, stroke and diabetes, increase as a woman gets older.

What tests are used to diagnose polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
There is no single test to diagnose PCOS. Your doctor will take a medical history, perform a physical exam, and possibly take some tests to rule out other causes of your symptoms. During the physical exam the doctor will want to measure your blood pressure,
body mass index (BMI), and waist size. He or she also will check out the areas of increased hair growth, so try to allow the natural hair growth for a few days before the visit. Your doctor might want to do a pelvic exam to see if your ovaries are enlarged or swollen by the increased number of small cysts. A vaginal ultrasound also might be used to examine the ovaries for cysts and check out the endometrium, the lining of the uterus. The uterine lining may become thicker if your periods are not regular. You also might have blood taken to check your hormone levels and to measure glucose (sugar) levels.

How is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) treated?
Because there is no cure for PCOS, it needs to be managed to prevent problems. Treatment goals are based on your symptoms, whether or not you want to become pregnant, and lowering your chances of getting heart disease and diabetes. Many women will need a combination of treatments to meet these goals. Some treatments for PCOS include:
Birth control pills. For women who don't want to become pregnant, birth control pills can control menstrual cycles, reduce male hormone levels, and help to clear acne. However, the menstrual cycle will become abnormal again if the pill is stopped. Women may also think about taking a pill that only has progesterone, like Provera®, to control the menstrual cycle and reduce the risk of endometrial cancer. (
See Does polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) put women at risk for other health problems?) But progesterone alone does not help reduce acne and hair growth.
Diabetes medications. The medicine metformin (Glucophage®) is used to treat type 2 diabetes. It also has been found to help with PCOS symptoms, although it is not FDA-approved for this use. Metformin affects the way insulin controls blood glucose (sugar) and lowers testosterone production. Abnormal hair growth will slow down, and ovulation may return after a few months of use. Recent research has shown metformin to have other positive effects, such as decreased body mass and improved cholesterol levels. Metformin will not cause a person to become diabetic.
Fertility medications. Lack of ovulation is usually the reason for fertility problems in women with PCOS. Several medications that stimulate ovulation can help women with PCOS become pregnant. Even so, other reasons for infertility in both the woman and man should be ruled out before fertility medications are used. Also, there is an increased risk for multiple births (twins, triplets) with fertility medications. For most patients, clomiphene citrate (Clomid®, Serophene®) is the first choice therapy to stimulate ovulation. If this fails, metformin taken with clomiphene is usually tried. When metformin is taken along with fertility medications, it may help women with PCOS ovulate on lower doses of medication. Gonadotropins (goe-NAD-oh-troe-pins) also can be used to stimulate ovulation. These are given as shots. But gonadotropins are more expensive and there are greater chances of multiple births compared to clomiphene. Another option is in vitro fertilization (IVF). IVF offers the best chance of becoming pregnant in any one cycle and gives doctors better control over the chance of multiple births. But, IVF is very costly.
Medicine for increased hair growth or extra male hormones. Medicines called anti-androgens may reduce hair growth and clear acne. Spironolactone (speer-on-oh-lak-tone) (Aldactone®), first used to treat high blood pressure, has been shown to reduce the impact of male hormones on hair growth in women. Finasteride (Propecia®), a medicine taken by men for hair loss, has the same effect. Anti-androgens often are combined with oral contraceptives.
Before taking Aldactone®, tell your doctor if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Do not breastfeed while taking this medicine. Women who may become pregnant should not handle Propecia®.
Vaniqa® cream also reduces facial hair in some women. Other treatments such as laser hair removal or electrolysis work well at getting rid of hair in some women. A woman with PCOS can also take hormonal treatment to keep new hair from growing.
Surgery. "Ovarian drilling" is a surgery that brings on ovulation. It is sometimes used when a woman does not respond to fertility medicines. The doctor makes a very small cut above or below the navel and inserts a small tool that acts like a telescope into the abdomen. This is called laparoscopy. The doctor then punctures the ovary with a small needle carrying an electric current to destroy a small portion of the ovary. This procedure carries a risk of developing scar tissue on the ovary. This surgery can lower male hormone levels and help with ovulation. But these effects may only last a few months. This treatment doesn't help with loss of scalp hair and increased hair growth on other parts of the body.
Lifestyle modification. Keeping a healthy weight by eating healthy foods and exercising is another way women can help manage PCOS. Many women with PCOS are overweight or obese. Eat fewer processed foods and foods with added sugars and more whole-grain products, fruits, vegetables, and lean meats to help lower blood sugar (glucose) levels, improve the body's use of insulin, and normalize hormone levels in your body. Even a 10 percent loss in body weight can restore a normal period and make a woman's cycle more regular.

How does polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) affect a woman while pregnant?
There appears to be higher rates of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, pregnancy-induced high blood pressure (
pre-eclampsia), and premature delivery in women with PCOS. Researchers are studying how the diabetes medicine metformin can prevent or reduce the chances of having these problems while pregnant. Metformin also lowers male hormone levels and limits weight gain in women who are obese when they get pregnant.
Metformin is a FDA pregnancy category B drug. It does not appear to cause major birth defects or other problems in pregnant women. But, there have been no studies of metformin on pregnant women to confirm its safety. Talk to your doctor about taking metformin during pregnancy or if you are trying to become pregnant. Also, metformin is passed through milk in breastfeeding mothers. Talk with your doctor about metformin use if you are a nursing mother.
Does polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) put women at risk for other health problems?
Women with PCOS have greater chances of developing several serious, life-threatening diseases, including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease (CVD), and cancer. Recent studies found that:
More than 50 percent of women with PCOS will have diabetes or pre-diabetes (impaired glucose tolerance) before the age of 40.
Women with PCOS have a four to seven times higher risk of heart attack than women of the same age without PCOS.
Women with PCOS are at greater risk of having high blood pressure.
Women with PCOS have high levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol and low levels of HDL (good) cholesterol.
The chance of getting endometrial cancer is another concern for women with PCOS. Irregular menstrual periods and the absence of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Progesterone causes the endometrium to shed its lining each month as a menstrual period. Without progesterone, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy bleeding or irregular bleeding. Over time, this can lead to endometrial hyperplasia, when the lining grows too much, and cancer.

I have PCOS. What can I do to prevent complications?
Getting your symptoms under control at an earlier age can help to reduce your chances of having complications like diabetes and heart disease. Talk to your doctor about treating all your symptoms, rather than focusing on just one aspect of your PCOS, such as problems getting pregnant. Also, talk to our doctor about getting tested for diabetes regularly. Eating right, exercising, and not smoking also will help to reduce your chances of having other health problems.

How can I cope with the emotional affects of PCOS?
Having PCOS can be difficult. Many women are embarrassed by their appearance. Others may worry about being able to get pregnant. Some women with PCOS might get depressed. Getting treatment for PCOS can help with these concerns and help boost a woman's self-esteem. Support groups located across the United States and on-line also can help women with PCOS deal with the emotional affects.

For More Information...
You can find out more about PCOS by contacting the National Women's Health Information Center (NWHIC) at 1-800-994-9662 or the following organizations:
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), NIH, HHSPhone: (800) 370-2943Internet Address:
http://www.nichd.nih.gov/womenshealth
American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists (AACE)Phone: (904) 353-7878Internet Address: http://www.aace.com
American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)Phone: (205) 978-5000Internet Address: http://www.asrm.org
Center for Applied Reproductive Science (CARS)Phone: (423) 461-8880Internet Address: http://www.ivf-et.com
InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, Inc. (INCIID)Phone: (703) 379-9178Internet Address: http://www.inciid.org
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association, Inc. (PCOSA)Internet Address: http://www.pcosupport.org
The Hormone FoundationPhone: (800) 467-6663Internet Address: http://www.hormone.org

Visit #1

We are choosing to work with Shady Grove Fertility Center. They have a very good reputation and have centers all over Maryland. It just so happens that one of them is about 5 minutes from our house. Our Dr. is Dr McKeedy and our Nurse's name is Dana.
We both were a little anxious going to this appointment because neither of us were quite sure what to expect. I was very impressed with both Dr. McKeedy and Dana. They were very professional and very down to earth. We met with the Dr first and he listened as we told our histories. He then said something I have been waiting to hear for years. I had always expected it and self diagnosed myself but no doctor previously had ever "labeled" me. He told me it sounds as though I have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). He went on to explain tons of things to us. I wish I could have taped him because he told us so much and it was such good information but I can't remember it all. He explained to us what happens in PCOS and why it causes infertility. He explained what our course of action would be after this and also said he doesn't think at this point that it will be something severe that we would make it as far as considering IVF (invitrofertilization). Of course he can't know that for sure at this point. They deal with many cases like this and he referred to me as young several times through out conversation. I joked with him that my son reminds me how OLD I am and he laughed and said compared to the age group of the patients he sees, I am young.
We talked about the past treatments I had received as far as medication regimen. Previously I had been put on Clomid (stimulate ovulation) and Metformin (which is an anti-diabetic and since insulin resistance plays a part in PCOS it helps fertility). Dr. McKeedy said that in the past the two were given together but recently they found that success rate is better just with starting clomid alone first. Before we would even proceed with medications he wants to do a panel of blood tests/hormone levels on me as well as a procedure he described as painful to ensure that my Fallopian tubes are not blocked. Apparently they will shoot some kind of dye into my uterus in order to do that. Then with Glenn they will want to do blood work and semen analysis. None of this can start though until we are preapproved by the insurance. We should hear something from them in 8-10 days. Then I can go in and they will induce my period and on the third day I can have all the above tests. So here is the first of what I'm sure will be many more "waiting games." As soon as I will know....you will know.....
At one point Glenn and I were sitting in the office alone and he looked over at me with tears in his eyes. I asked him why he was crying. He said he was really excited. I am too but I am so cautious and tend to be pessimistic about this whole ordeal. I don't know what the future brings but I remember all to well what it is like to look at negative pregnancy tests over and over and over....hopefully this time will be different......

6.17.2008

Curiouser and Curiouser.....the tale of our pasts

Glenn and I were recently married, May 17th of this year to be exact. It is a month to the day that I begin this blog. We have had some hard and crazy things happen to us individually as well as together and I will not bore you with all the details.....just what pertains to the purpose of this blog.
My issues with the whole idea of "infertility" began when I was 18. My periods had been irregular for a couple of years at that point and I had some hormonal work up done and the dr told me that I had too much testosterone in my body. He told me and I will never forget these words, "It will be very difficult for you to get pregnant if you ever can at all." I remember going back to my college dorm room devestated and crying because I had always wanted to get married and be a mommy. My irregular periods continued and I went on and off birth control to keep them regular and provera (which made me really sick) to induce them. At one point in my previous marriage I had lost about 50 pounds and my periods started coming regularly for the first time in years. I still never thought about the prospect of having a baby because after taking what seemed like 5,000 pregnancy tests only to have them read negative you start to not even entertain the idea at all. It turns out that I got prenant and carried to term with little issue a healthy baby boy who is now almost 6 years old. After that my husband at the time and I tried again, over and over and nothing worked. I went through medictation regimines and ultrasounds and basal temp taking and nothing came of it. We didn't go as far as we could have with it because I chose another route. I was quite heavy after my first pregnancy so I decided that since losing weight the first time helped that maybe it would the second time as well. My OB was in agreement and so I started the process to have gastric bypass. I was aproved, had the surgery and lost 140 pounds. In the midst of all of that my marriage went bad and I found myself divorced and now remarried. Apparently weight is not the key this time because Glenn and I have not been using protection for over a year and I haven't gotten pregnant. I have only had my period 4 times in the last year.
Glenn had went with his ex wife to some very preliminary testing done on his sperm. It was found that he had lazy sperm. They were together for 4 years or a little more and she never was able to get pregnant .....well not by Glenn anyway. She chose her own route for having children and is now married to the baby's daddy. (I could write a blog on her alone.....grrrrr)
So here we are together now....each of us with our issues and wanting to have children of our own. Glenn has had 3 step sons now and while he is a great daddy to my son, I know he would like to have one of his own and I also would love to be able to give that gift to him.
We have our first appointment at Shady Grove Fertillity Center today. As I understand it, it will be an "intake" of sorts and then we will go from there. I am excited and nervous. They are supposed to be a really great fertility center.
I have gone through many cycles of frustration and hurt at other's being able to have baby's so quickly and easily, teenage mom's who can't support or raise a child or those who I deem "unfit" . I do know this for sure. Ten years from now it will not matter all the tears I cried in the past. What will matter is that no matter how hard we had to fight we did whatever we needed to do to realize our dreams.