Another peek into my mind...

We got the letter in the mail about our insurance covering our prescreening. I think we got it last week and it took me until this Wednesday to call Shady Grove to find out our next step. I kept forgetting to call for some reason. This is so important to us and I kept forgetting and I couldn't understand why. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I am more scared then I have let on. Scared to proceed because it may fail again. Scared to hear bad news. Scared to be slapped in the face AGAIN with the reality of our situation. Scared that we will not be able to have the child/children we so desperately want. I am scared to death that it just won't happen for us. As Glenn would say "let's not put the cart before the horse" but as a woman I think it is so difficult to feel that your body is failing in this way. I think or I have heard that men feel like their manhood is in question if they can't reproduce but for woman that maternal pull is so strong that it is difficult to deal with. I think there is a certain comfort in sitting here at the computer and typing entry after entry about how I CAN'T have children. How I have looked at 20,000 negative pregnancy tests. There is a certain comfort in not dealing with it. I did call Shady Grove and left a message with our nurse but she is out of the office until Monday so we will wait and see what the next step is.
The other thing that has been haunting me and has been ever since I had gastric bypass is the whole issue of my weight. I was standing in front of the mirror the other day and realized that I am petrified to gain weight. My weight has been an issue all of my life and 2.5 years ago I had gastric bypass and lost 140 pds. Most people think that gastric bypass is the easy way out but it isn't and it isn't a cure all. It helps you get the weight off but it is possible to stretch out your stomach again and gain your weight back. I am terrified to gain weight again because I don't want to end up where I was. I know this probably sounds so selfish and I realize that it is. What could be more wonderful then our baby and I know in the long run it would be worth it all and more besides but it is definitely something I am going to have to deal with and work through. People tell me that if I breast feed and watch what I eat while I'm pregnant I'll be fine but that didn't work the first time. I didn't lose weight after. I kept gaining and gaining until I could hardly walk. I have been trying to watch my weight and lose a little extra that I have put on since surgery. I have lost 5 pounds since our wedding in May. I would like to loose 5 more pounds and I'll be happy....just more things that are running through my mind....