History Will Teach Us Nothing...

Sting sings a song that is titled "History Will Teach Us Nothing" and from that we can draw the famous quote, "History will repeat itself". When history repeats itself I have noticed that it seems to be the bad that comes again and and again.....slavery, human rights violations, cruelty, pain and sorrow. I don't and won't pretend that what happened to me today is equal to any of that but it was a cruel little twist of fate. About seven years ago, the Monday before Halloween I had a Pampered Chef Party. I picked up a close friend of mine and on the way to the party (even though it was my party it was at my then mother-in-laws) she told me she was pregnant. When I got to the party that night my cousin's wife told us she was pregnant. I very flippantly said, "What the heck, every one else is pregnant, I must be too." I knew that I wasn't...I couldn't be.... Well, it just so happens that I was pregnant. I found out on Halloween.
I got a text today. One of my very close friends that also has PCOS found out she was pregnant. I am a shitty friend because I'm supposed to feel happy and it's not that I don't but once again all of the anger builds up. I am not angry at her. I am not angry at the baby. I am happy for them. I'm just insanely jealous and angry that it wasn't me. And here lies the twist of fate. Seven years later. ....it's the Monday before Halloween and I'm having a Pampered Chef Party. I just found out a very close friend of mine is preggo and my sister in law who is pregnant is coming tonight. But this time I know there is no hope for Halloween. I am recovering from surgery and apart from the negative I got at the beginning of the month, they also did a pregnancy test right before surgery.....so now i know it's doubly negative......nice......

There is a hole

Inside my heart

That's waiting just for you

your little arms

your little toes

your eyes and nose and mouth

this hole i have

it will never go

it can't be cured

it can't be filled

by anyone

or anything

except for you

my little dream

Baby Walston - I will never give up hope - you and your brother are and will be the best loved children ever.....

And This Your Weekday Update.....

I haven't blogged for awhile because it has taken me awhile to process all that is going on with us. I have had a hard time dealing with it and so i have come to realize that while i have a lot of updating to do, I also have to make a slight shift in my blog for the time being.....first things first....

The last time I blogged was the day before I went to have my HSG test done. I really hope that I don't have to have another one of them done anytime soon. It wasn't painful but it was very uncomfortable and definitely NOT on my top ten list of things to do again. They basically stuck a tube inside of me and shot a stained liquid (the proper name is escaping me right now) inside my uterus and my tubes. I watched on the screen as the liquid spread. My uterus and fallopian tubes filled up which showed that there were not obstructions present. A good thing....yes. It was very uncomfortable for the next hour or so. I felt sick and bloated until all of the liquid either found it's way back out of me or absorbed into my body. I went home and curled up in bed for awhile. I feel so defeated sometimes. It was a step closer but it was also just another hoop to jump through....i wish it could have all just been done....

Things have changed drastically for us in the last few months and we have had to put aside any progress in our path toward parenthood. Glenn's dad made some very drastic decisions which caused us to have to move (almost overnight) back to PA and we are now living with my parents. We had to leave our jobs, find a home for our dog, pull Owen out of school and re register him in PA....ugh....and again we had to put on hold our dreams. We have found part time jobs at this point but have many things to deal with and think through before we can ever even entertain the thought of starting the process over again. i hurt...i have always tried to be as honest as i can when i write. I'm scared....i don't know if our dreams will ever come true. This is the way it has been for Glenn and i since the beginning. We feel like we are taking a big step forward and then something slams us in the face and we are knocked back 10 steps. It becomes very frustrating and difficult. Soon after we moved back to PA, the family was together and Glenn was kicking soccer ball with my little nephew out in the driveway. I had to leave....I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and just cried my eyes out. I wanted so bad for that to be our child that he was playing with. Every time we are with my nephews i see how much love Glenn has for them and how much love he has for Owen and it is hard to understand why we can't have one of our own to love.

I just had to have surgery. I needed to have my gallbladder out and a hernia repaired. About two weeks before surgery i started having extreme tenderness in my breasts. I wasn't sure what was going on because the idea of having my period two months in a row was insane. When I was pregnant with Owen that was my first clue. I waited a week and the pain still persisted. I knew I was facing surgery and I knew that if i was really pregnant they would have probably caught it on some kind of test they had done but I needed to know for sure. I bought a test even though I knew in my heart it was going to be negative just like all of the rest (except Owen's of course).

i took it and it was negative
i added it to the proverbial pile of negatives
the next day i found out my sister in law is pregnant again
the next day the pain stopped
the day after that i got my period

Many things and feelings intertwined in those last few sentences. I wasn't surprised it was negative and really now is the worst time possible for us to have a baby but it would have been such a blessing too. It would have been some kind of sign that maybe just maybe everything was going to be okay. As far as finding out about my brother and sister in law. I was crushed....but i tried to put on a brave face. I am really happy for them...it has nothing to do with them....it has everything to do with again the reminder that "they can" and "we can't" and how inadequate I feel as a woman. I know that if my sister in law reads this she will understand. We have had many conversations about it and I also know that if she has a problem with what I say here she will come to me and we will talk because we just have that kind of relationship with each other. How am I gonna react to the baby when it comes? I'm really not sure. I want to be the best aunt to all of my nephews that I can be....i will find the strength...I always do. It was good for Glenn and I to hear the news though because we came home that night and talked for quite a bit. He shared a lot of feelings with me and we were able to comfort each other and that was good. I need him and his strength and for both of us to be able to hold each other up. I do wonder thought what was going on at the beginning of the month. It still seems strange. Is it possible that I miscarried?

So where my blog goes from here....we obviously are not taking active steps toward having a baby but I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and Hypoglycemia and what I can do to get my body in the best shape that I can so that when we are ready to start treatments again I know that I have done everything in MY power to get my body to where it needs to be. I am going to try to keep sharing health issues and research and diet and exercise tips that I have found and uncovered in my reading so that if anyone is actually reading this blog they may be helped along the way too.....