Another Step Toward Oz

Sooooo....follow the yellow brick road. What is the next step? I called Dana (our case nurse, by the way, I love that we have assigned nurses. It helps us feel more comfortable.) and she said that the next step would be to wait. (WAIT!?!?!? WAIT???? But I don't wanna.....)

I figured this was going to be her response. She said I needed to wait until I was late again (probably about the 21st of July) and call to set up a "no menses" appointment. So I did. Simple as that. Yesterday I went into Shady Grove at stinkin 7am in the morning to have blood drawn as well as a "baseline" ultrasound done. One of the things the blood tests were checking for was my progesterone level. If my progesterone level was high it would mean that I had ovulated and my period was coming right around that corner. (HA! fat chance). If my progesterone level was low it would mean just the opposite and I was supposed to take Provera to induce my period. Lovely. I had been on this medication several times before and it makes me sick but that is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. (Just a side note, you may have heard of Depo-Provera shots for birth control....just the opposite of what I would be taking. It stops your periods.) I was supposed to wait to fill the prescription until a nurse contacted me with the results. (As if we don't all know what the results are going to be.)

The ultrasound....the ultrasound was done to form a baseline for the doctor to follow in the future. The tech explained to me that they would measure my uterus and check out my ovaries and so on and so forth. I could see the screen as I laid there all comfy (NOT!) but of course I had no idea what I was looking at. When she looked at my left ovary she told me it looks like I have two cysts on it. She explained that they are fluid filled pockets on the ovaries and they come and go. Nothing to worry about. (What if she's wrong.....wait...that's a bridge I don't need to cross yet.) Ok....she was done...that was it. Off to work I go.

I got the call I was waiting for mid afternoon. The nurse told me that, and this is exactly what she said, "It looks like a period is nowhere in the near future for you." To which I replied, verbatim, "Shocker!" (dripping with sarcasm of course.) She laughed and said to fill my prescription. So that is where we are in the process. I need to take the Provera for 10 days and then my period should start. I need to call them on day one to set up an appointment for day 3 so they can do more testing. Sooooo here's to modern medicine.....could someone please pass the Provera bottle?

Another peek into my mind...

We got the letter in the mail about our insurance covering our prescreening. I think we got it last week and it took me until this Wednesday to call Shady Grove to find out our next step. I kept forgetting to call for some reason. This is so important to us and I kept forgetting and I couldn't understand why. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I am more scared then I have let on. Scared to proceed because it may fail again. Scared to hear bad news. Scared to be slapped in the face AGAIN with the reality of our situation. Scared that we will not be able to have the child/children we so desperately want. I am scared to death that it just won't happen for us. As Glenn would say "let's not put the cart before the horse" but as a woman I think it is so difficult to feel that your body is failing in this way. I think or I have heard that men feel like their manhood is in question if they can't reproduce but for woman that maternal pull is so strong that it is difficult to deal with. I think there is a certain comfort in sitting here at the computer and typing entry after entry about how I CAN'T have children. How I have looked at 20,000 negative pregnancy tests. There is a certain comfort in not dealing with it. I did call Shady Grove and left a message with our nurse but she is out of the office until Monday so we will wait and see what the next step is.
The other thing that has been haunting me and has been ever since I had gastric bypass is the whole issue of my weight. I was standing in front of the mirror the other day and realized that I am petrified to gain weight. My weight has been an issue all of my life and 2.5 years ago I had gastric bypass and lost 140 pds. Most people think that gastric bypass is the easy way out but it isn't and it isn't a cure all. It helps you get the weight off but it is possible to stretch out your stomach again and gain your weight back. I am terrified to gain weight again because I don't want to end up where I was. I know this probably sounds so selfish and I realize that it is. What could be more wonderful then our baby and I know in the long run it would be worth it all and more besides but it is definitely something I am going to have to deal with and work through. People tell me that if I breast feed and watch what I eat while I'm pregnant I'll be fine but that didn't work the first time. I didn't lose weight after. I kept gaining and gaining until I could hardly walk. I have been trying to watch my weight and lose a little extra that I have put on since surgery. I have lost 5 pounds since our wedding in May. I would like to loose 5 more pounds and I'll be happy....just more things that are running through my mind....