My Twisted Mind

DISCLAIMER: This entry was not written to make anyone feel bad or for people to tiptoe around me or avoid certain topics after reading this. I love all my friends and am so happy for each of them and their little ones. I am trying to write this blog as honestly as I possibly can and this is a part of my life.......the large majority of the time I am fine but there are times when it all catches up to me.

I am currently cleaning houses for a living until I can finish my medical transcriptioning courses. The other week I went to a new client's home. She greeted me at the door. She was a sharp looking woman, dressed nicely and I would have never noticed that she had just had a baby. She was very nice and showed me around, telling me what she wanted done. We went upstairs and we walked right into the baby's room and there he was sleeping in the bouncy seat on the floor. She started gushing about her lil baby and how much she loves him and how cute he is and all I could get out was, "Awwww....how old is he?" Turns out he is 8 weeks old. She is a first time mom and is entitled to gush....every mom is entitled to gush. I'm sure I did it and I'm sure I will do it again too. My problem was I wasn't mentally prepared for it and it slammed me in the face and took me to a not so good place. Later she brought the baby downstairs and walked right up to me and said, "Here he is up from his nap." Again I was forced to croon over the baby as my heart sunk deeper and deeper. I cried the whole time I cleaned the baby's room. I couldn't help it. It just got the best of me. I went downstairs when I was finished and her and her husband were sitting in the kitchen talking to the baby. She said to the baby, "What are you trying to tell us? Are you trying to tell us that you are just the cutest baby in the world?" I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I just needed to get away. Several of my friends have just had babies and I am so happy for them. In no way am I vengeful or upset about the blessings in their lives. They have done nothing to upset me or frustrate me at all and really neither did this couple. I love hearing about the babies and the newest "stage" they are going through but sometimes I just can't handle it as well as others and that is on me.....it has nothing to do with anyone else. It is just something I need to deal with and process with in my life and like I said before I'm sure I will do the same thing when I'm a mommy again. Heck, I probably still do it with Owen because I am intoxicated with that kid and I am so proud of him.

Anyway.....I can't remember the last time I got my period back to back in a month. I think I was a teenager....well no actually it was when I got pregnant with Owen. For six months my body kicked into motion and did all the right things. It hasn't at all since then. As long as I am not on birth control I don't get regular periods. I had 4 in the last year. So last Friday I woke up and had my period. What the heck???? I was still like two weeks late but it was there. I had to laugh at the irony for a second. The one time I want my period to hold off so I can have it induced and do the testing I need done it comes. I called the fertility clinic and of course my insurance hadn't responded yet so I will just have to let this one ride and wait until next month to induce and have the testing done. GRRRRRRR...... It seems like this is the way my life has been going lately. Yesterday we got the letter in the mail saying that the insurance will cover the prescreening for Glenn and I but will not cover IUI or IVF. I have to check into that a little more and see why because I thought Maryland was one of like 5 states where they covered things like that. It may just be that they won't cover it at this point because we haven't jumped through 90,000 hoops yet. I'm not even worried about that at this point. I am just glad that it covers what it does for starters and we will think positively and go with the doctors inclination that we won't even need to go that far. We shall see.....I have to call the clinic again and see what we do from here. I know I need to get a pap done (oh...i can't wait......NOT) but I'm not sure after that. Okay...I'm done being long winded for today......