Well, Monday afternoon I got my period. Yes, it finally came. I had no clue it was coming. No cramping or bloating. It was just there. I called Shady Grove and set up my day 3 appt. I just got back from it now. I needed to be in at 7:30 and when I got there it was packed. There was hardly a place to sit in the waiting room. Apparently it was the place to be and I didn't even know it. I sat waiting for the nurse to call my name and I started to look around the room. There was no rhyme or reason to the people sitting there. Not that I expected there to be but I guess it just hit me looking around. Some women were young and some older and all different colors and sizes. It was almost like someone rolled a dice and said, "You, you and you, step to the right. You will have the struggle of infertility in your lives. Everyone else to the left." and there we were. No one looked very happy and after all I guess no one probably was really excited about sitting in a fertillity clinic. I mean of course the dream of having a baby is wonderful but it's the getting there that sucks. Oh and there is something else I have been thinking about this week too. I was perusing some infertility forums and message boards on the computer. Maybe I was hoping to find a magic cure or some support or just another reminder that there are other people in the world dealing with what we are dealing with. I started to feel really bad for the frustration I have had and the feelings that encompass this whole ordeal. There are couples out there that have tried for 10 years or more - pills, injections, IUI, and several rounds of IVF only to end up with nothing...no baby....no gold at the end of the rainbow. It makes me feel selfish that I am as frustrated as I am. Yeah I have been trying to have a baby for years but I haven't actually been actively persuing it for all that time...not in fertility treatments anyway. I got frustrated again today because I thought we were going to be able to start medication this cycle but I guess we won't be able to. I will probably have to induce my period next month and then go from there. In the grand scheme of things for us though that is only one month not 8 years and definately not the end of the line. I knew this was going to take time....Ijust don't want it too. The other thing I noticed that I really never thought about before is that I probably fit more nicely into the Secondary Infertility catagory since I have my little miracle child. I started to think of the contrast between Secondary Infertility and those that are point blank infertile (like I was told I'd be). I guess I feel guilty too that I am so anxious to have another baby when there are women that just want their first one. Ok....so I started thinking about the pro's and con's of both (as if one is any better then the other).
Here is what I came up with.....
Infertility-
Pro's
-they have never felt a baby grow in them so they don't know what they are missing and how wonderful it feels.
-they don't know how it feels to have a child born to them and what a bond that creates and how much we wish it to happen again.
Con's
- They have never even once had the chance to feel the miracle of life growing inside of them.
-They have never gotten that BFP (big fat positive) or the joy and excitement that comes with it.
-They have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative.......
-They have never had the excitement of their child coming into the world....not even once.
Secondary Infertility
Pro's
- I have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative BUT there was a suprise Positive in the middle of them
- I know what it's like to feel the excitment of finding out that I am pregnant.
-I know what it is like to feel my child inside of me, to give birth to it and to hold MY child in my arms.
-I have had the opportunity to watch my child grow and learn and develop and will have that for many years to come.
-I can wrap my arms around my little man whenever I want.
Ok....i need to wipe the tears out of my eyes......
Con's
- All of the things that I listed above as Pro's because I have had that experience and I know how wonderful it feels and I know what I am missing.
-The frustration of "if my body could do it once then why the hell can't it do it again."
- The return of negative after negative after negative....."Sorry your not a winner this time but please try again."
My conclusion.....they both suck, really suck and cause lots of pain and hurt but for very different reasons. I guess I feel like I should be thankful that I had that experience once and I am....I really am but I want to be able to share that with Glenn too. I want that to be a part of our lives and to complete us as well. I guess I'm just being selfish in the end.
So...back to today. I got 6 vials of blood drawn for testing. I believe it was an STD panel and hormone levels again. I am supposed to be getting the results when Dana calls this afternoon. I know the STD test will all come back negative but I'm curious to see what she has to say about my hormone levels. I came home and sceduled blood work for tomorrow morning. I have to do a 2 hour glucose test. I did one when I was pregnant with Owen. Basically I will have to drink this nasty drink and then sit there for two hours and then they can draw the blood. There are some other blood tests that go along with that as well. Between the cycle days 6-12 I have to go to the imaging center and they with check my fallopian tubes. I guess by MRI....I'm not sure. Anyway, next Wed. we have an appointment for Glenn to drop off his sperm sample and he has bloodwork that he needs to have done too. I think his is the STD and hormonal set that I had done today. And after that we can breathe....no more tests for a little while I don't think. After all of that is done we meet with Dr Mceeby again for some more talk. I guess we will take all the "evidence" and decide where we go from there. That wore me out just writing it! Busy times....but that's good because it means we are progressing one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment