Dare to Change

dare to change -
stagency breeds sleepiness
boredom
complacency.
grab your shovel
dig deep within
your
SOUL
dare to be
better
then
the best -
NO! dare to be
better then
YOUR
best.
breathe in
your
essence
live to
find
strength
bathe in
peace
embrace
passion
join the
march
of
simplicty
do not
sit
do not
watch
life go
by...
DO something
it's YOUR
life
live it
truely
passionately
selflessly
live it
i dare you.

The Times They are A' changin.....

Things have really changed since the last time I posted.  We were forced to move and pretty much start our lives all over again.  We decided we were done with infertillity treatments and have taken the route of adoption through foster care.  I am so at peace.  I have never felt so good in my life.  Today is the day we find out if we are approved.  Our caseworker is taking our profile and presenting our family to the powers that be to clear us for adoption.  I'm really not that nervous because I know we are doing the right thing.  I have started another "general" blog about my life.  I will keep up dating there.....www.mypeacfulvalleyofchaos.blogspot.com

Your Friendly Neighborhood Update.....

I haven't written for awhile because it has taken awhile for me to process all that has been going on in our lives recently. I want to update on everything that has been going on but I also realize that this blog may have to take a bit of a shift for awhile.....first things first.....

History Will Teach Us Nothing...

Sting sings a song that is titled "History Will Teach Us Nothing" and from that we can draw the famous quote, "History will repeat itself". When history repeats itself I have noticed that it seems to be the bad that comes again and and again.....slavery, human rights violations, cruelty, pain and sorrow. I don't and won't pretend that what happened to me today is equal to any of that but it was a cruel little twist of fate. About seven years ago, the Monday before Halloween I had a Pampered Chef Party. I picked up a close friend of mine and on the way to the party (even though it was my party it was at my then mother-in-laws) she told me she was pregnant. When I got to the party that night my cousin's wife told us she was pregnant. I very flippantly said, "What the heck, every one else is pregnant, I must be too." I knew that I wasn't...I couldn't be.... Well, it just so happens that I was pregnant. I found out on Halloween.
I got a text today. One of my very close friends that also has PCOS found out she was pregnant. I am a shitty friend because I'm supposed to feel happy and it's not that I don't but once again all of the anger builds up. I am not angry at her. I am not angry at the baby. I am happy for them. I'm just insanely jealous and angry that it wasn't me. And here lies the twist of fate. Seven years later. ....it's the Monday before Halloween and I'm having a Pampered Chef Party. I just found out a very close friend of mine is preggo and my sister in law who is pregnant is coming tonight. But this time I know there is no hope for Halloween. I am recovering from surgery and apart from the negative I got at the beginning of the month, they also did a pregnancy test right before surgery.....so now i know it's doubly negative......nice......

There is a hole

Inside my heart

That's waiting just for you

your little arms

your little toes

your eyes and nose and mouth

this hole i have

it will never go

it can't be cured

it can't be filled

by anyone

or anything

except for you

my little dream

Baby Walston - I will never give up hope - you and your brother are and will be the best loved children ever.....

And This Your Weekday Update.....

I haven't blogged for awhile because it has taken me awhile to process all that is going on with us. I have had a hard time dealing with it and so i have come to realize that while i have a lot of updating to do, I also have to make a slight shift in my blog for the time being.....first things first....

The last time I blogged was the day before I went to have my HSG test done. I really hope that I don't have to have another one of them done anytime soon. It wasn't painful but it was very uncomfortable and definitely NOT on my top ten list of things to do again. They basically stuck a tube inside of me and shot a stained liquid (the proper name is escaping me right now) inside my uterus and my tubes. I watched on the screen as the liquid spread. My uterus and fallopian tubes filled up which showed that there were not obstructions present. A good thing....yes. It was very uncomfortable for the next hour or so. I felt sick and bloated until all of the liquid either found it's way back out of me or absorbed into my body. I went home and curled up in bed for awhile. I feel so defeated sometimes. It was a step closer but it was also just another hoop to jump through....i wish it could have all just been done....

Things have changed drastically for us in the last few months and we have had to put aside any progress in our path toward parenthood. Glenn's dad made some very drastic decisions which caused us to have to move (almost overnight) back to PA and we are now living with my parents. We had to leave our jobs, find a home for our dog, pull Owen out of school and re register him in PA....ugh....and again we had to put on hold our dreams. We have found part time jobs at this point but have many things to deal with and think through before we can ever even entertain the thought of starting the process over again. i hurt...i have always tried to be as honest as i can when i write. I'm scared....i don't know if our dreams will ever come true. This is the way it has been for Glenn and i since the beginning. We feel like we are taking a big step forward and then something slams us in the face and we are knocked back 10 steps. It becomes very frustrating and difficult. Soon after we moved back to PA, the family was together and Glenn was kicking soccer ball with my little nephew out in the driveway. I had to leave....I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and just cried my eyes out. I wanted so bad for that to be our child that he was playing with. Every time we are with my nephews i see how much love Glenn has for them and how much love he has for Owen and it is hard to understand why we can't have one of our own to love.

I just had to have surgery. I needed to have my gallbladder out and a hernia repaired. About two weeks before surgery i started having extreme tenderness in my breasts. I wasn't sure what was going on because the idea of having my period two months in a row was insane. When I was pregnant with Owen that was my first clue. I waited a week and the pain still persisted. I knew I was facing surgery and I knew that if i was really pregnant they would have probably caught it on some kind of test they had done but I needed to know for sure. I bought a test even though I knew in my heart it was going to be negative just like all of the rest (except Owen's of course).

i took it and it was negative
i added it to the proverbial pile of negatives
the next day i found out my sister in law is pregnant again
the next day the pain stopped
the day after that i got my period

Many things and feelings intertwined in those last few sentences. I wasn't surprised it was negative and really now is the worst time possible for us to have a baby but it would have been such a blessing too. It would have been some kind of sign that maybe just maybe everything was going to be okay. As far as finding out about my brother and sister in law. I was crushed....but i tried to put on a brave face. I am really happy for them...it has nothing to do with them....it has everything to do with again the reminder that "they can" and "we can't" and how inadequate I feel as a woman. I know that if my sister in law reads this she will understand. We have had many conversations about it and I also know that if she has a problem with what I say here she will come to me and we will talk because we just have that kind of relationship with each other. How am I gonna react to the baby when it comes? I'm really not sure. I want to be the best aunt to all of my nephews that I can be....i will find the strength...I always do. It was good for Glenn and I to hear the news though because we came home that night and talked for quite a bit. He shared a lot of feelings with me and we were able to comfort each other and that was good. I need him and his strength and for both of us to be able to hold each other up. I do wonder thought what was going on at the beginning of the month. It still seems strange. Is it possible that I miscarried?

So where my blog goes from here....we obviously are not taking active steps toward having a baby but I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and Hypoglycemia and what I can do to get my body in the best shape that I can so that when we are ready to start treatments again I know that I have done everything in MY power to get my body to where it needs to be. I am going to try to keep sharing health issues and research and diet and exercise tips that I have found and uncovered in my reading so that if anyone is actually reading this blog they may be helped along the way too.....

Blood test results.....

Bear with me....this is going to be a long post.

Okay...last week I got a ton of blood work done. Today I got my results in the mail. I had several abnormal results. I set out to see what they meant on the wonderful world wide web. The first several were all related and fell under the CBC that I had done.

MCH - Mean Corpuscular Hemoglobin Ref. Range 27.5 - 33.5
Measures the amount of hemoglobin in red blood cells. Both hemoglobin and hematocrit are used to calculate this number. Low levels indicate anemia. Mine was low - 26.1

RDW - level is increased and the MCV level is normal. This can be caused by the beginning stages of a decrease in vitamin B12 or folic acid (a type of vitamin) in the body. It can also be caused by the beginning stages of iron deficiency anemia. Mine was high - 17.5

Both of the results made perfect sense to me. I have been dealing with being anemic since my gastric bypass surgery but I stopped taking my iron when I started on Prenatal pills because I thought I would receive enough through them. I guess I was wrong....back on the iron. B12 deficiency is also something that gastric bypass patients deal with. I have been taking B complex supplements as well.

This is the part that really fit together and made sense. Here is an article that I found online. I got tears in my eyes when I read it. I don't know why. I guess because it all made to much sense. Here it is....

Blood Sugar Levels and Infertility - Are they related?

Copyright 2001 by Lee James, used with permission.

Do your eyes burn so bad at times, that you think to just pluck them out would be much less painful than keeping them open? Or do you sometimes feel so nauseous in the middle of the morning or afternoon, that you actually convince yourself you must be pregnant to feel so sick? How about dizziness? Or headaches? Or have you experienced a racing heart, a flushed face and sweaty palms? Or do you have a grumpy demeanor for no reason at all at times?
All of these, can be, and usually are, symptoms of either hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia. Hypoglycemia is commonly referred to as "low blood sugar", or problems with your blood sugar dropping unusually low after a meal. This sudden drop in blood sugar, often causes symptoms, which although may vary for each individual, often include, a sudden feeling of tiredness, burning eyes, a feeling of lethargy, and often times a headache and/or dizziness.
Hyperglycemia is typically defined as the opposite of hypoglycemia. It is "high blood sugar", meaning your blood sugar usually spikes too high sometimes after a meal, and sometimes in-between meals. Hyperglycemia can often be detected by a feeling of nervousness or jitteriness, a racing heart and pulse, sweaty palms, and also a headache.
Both of these conditions are caused by an imbalance in blood sugar levels and both can be equally destructive. As well, it is rare to experience one without eventually experiencing the other. More often than not, you will experience one or the other much more frequently, and the other form only occasionally. But be aware that both hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia cause many health related problems and can eventually cause diabetes if left untreated.
What you may ask, does this have to do with infertility?
Well, a lot. Hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia are caused by your body’s difficulty to maintain satisfactory insulin levels. Heredity plays a big part in your body’s ability to maintain these levels, and some people are born with a condition called insulin resistance. For many of you with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, insulin resistance is a term you are very familiar with.
Insulin resistance is a condition where the cells of your body do not effectively receive the insulin your body produces. Therefore your cells trigger your brain to produce even more insulin thinking there is not enough. The end result is an overproduction of insulin. And since insulin is a hormone, the result is a hormone imbalance. This hormone imbalance can then cause any number of side effects from cysts on your ovaries, to overgrowth of bodily hair, to random swelling of your breasts, to very painful menstrual like cramping. But the key here is the hormonal imbalance.
Unfortunately, all our hormones are intricately linked together and a disturbance with one, can cause a rippling effect with all the rest of your hormones, including your estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels. These hormone imbalances are what lead to infertility. And since insulin is a hormone, it is very important to recognize the role it plays when trying to achieve pregnancy. And likewise, since hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia are caused by unsatisfactory insulin levels, it can only lead one to the conclusion that controlling these conditions as much as possible can only aid in the quest for fertility. And not only fertility, but also the betterment of your health and well being in general.
But how do you go about controlling hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia? Well to be honest, it will take a lot of work and a lot of perseverance on your part. It will take a lot of trial and error and a great deal of getting to know your body - of being able to read the signs your body is giving you and knowing what to do when you recognize those signs. It will be a daily battle, and it will be something you will fight the rest of your life. But acknowledging the condition, and committing to the fight, is half the battle as they say. And the fight is definitely worth the effort when you consider the devastating impact of leaving hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia unchecked.
There are several medications out there that can aid in insulin resistance and concurrently aid in hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia such as metformin. However, every person’s body is different, and not everyone will react the same.
For myself, my six-month stint with Metformin did virtually nothing to improve my insulin resistance. For others, it is all they need to obtain a good hormone balance and then pregnancy. All I can do is offer you tips and explain how my body acts and reacts and hope that you might find something useful in my words that will help you control your hypo or hyperglycemia, and hopefully lead you to a well (hormonally) balanced body and mind and eventually to pregnancy.
For myself, my main difficulty is hypoglycemia, with occasional hyperglycemia. After several years of trial and error I have learned to read my symptoms and trigger foods and have found many ways to combat and/or prevent the symptoms of hypoglycemia.
Eat protein with every meal (meat, eggs, nuts, cheese, milk, etc.) (This is especially important for breakfast and lunch).
Avoid sugar (this includes fruit and fruit juices. Or if you’re like every other woman in the US and just can’t pass up the chocolate, eat sugar with a meal, and preferably with protein, to counterbalance the effect sugar will cause).
Eat carbohydrates cautiously, and if possible combine with protein.
Avoid snacking and in-between meals, (or if you must, snack on something containing protein or complex carbohydrates, such as whole grain crackers or beef jerky).
Avoid simple carbohydrates and stick to whole grains, oats, and vegetables, as these will take longer for your body to burn off, and your blood sugar will not peak as quickly or dramatically and then crash just the same.
Exercise. (It has been proven to help balance insulin levels, by increasing blood flow through your cells.)
Take vitamins. (Vitamins such as E, C, B, Calcium, Potassium, and a daily multi-vitamin, help to balance sugar levels, and fortify your cells).
Ultimately, if the food you are eating is not right for your body, you will be able to tell by how your body reacts.
Consequently, this is where the trial and error comes in. Everyone’s bodies will react differently to individual foods. So pay close attention to what you are eating and when. Eating foods that take longer to burn off such as protein and complex carbohydrates will prevent the sudden rise and fall in blood sugar levels that sugars and simple carbohydrates will cause. For when your blood sugar suddenly falls, or "crashes", is when you will experience symptoms of hypoglycemia. For many people these symptoms come about an hour or two after eating, and for some who are severely hypoglycemic such as myself, they can come as quickly as 10 minutes after a meal. The important thing is to recognize what foods trigger this reaction, and then avoid them if possible.
Although at the moment you may not even realize you have hyperglycemia or hypoglycemia, I encourage all of you women trying to get pregnant to really listen to what your bodies are telling you. Instead of dismissing the signs and symptoms you are having as mere feelings of fatigue or illness, try really hearing what your body is saying and focusing on your overall health. Ultimately, it will be the state of your health that will determine the state of your fertility.

So prior to surgery I was borderline diabetic and now I'm hypoglycemic. Can't I just be normal???? Why does this all have to be such a struggle and what is wrong with my body. Ugh...I feel even more doctors visits and blood work in my future. My arms haven't cleared up from the last batch yet.

Tomorrow I go to the Imaging Center so they can check out my fallopian tubes. Crossing my fingers that this doesn't get even more involved......

Never, never, never give up!

Winston Churchhill's famous college grad speech......"Never, never, never give up!"