Of sandcastles and butterflys.....

This email was in my mailbox this morning. It's from another friend of mine who unlike me has not been given the chance to love even one child of her own....don't get me wrong. She loves her step son with all her heart but unless you've been there you can't understand that it's just not the same......Thank you sweetie.


hey, i had this poem in my blog archives... so i'm not sure if you've ever seen it. anyway, cool seeing you friday!!!

Holding on to Hope

As little girls with well loved dolls,
we dreampt of being "Mommy".
As teenagers with the hope of love,
we named each child so secretly.
As loving wives we have waited
for these dreams, so patiently.
And as it stands, there is still hope,
but it comes and goes so easily.

As the butterfly comes to visit,
but flutters away the very next instant...
So is the hope for many.
As the dawn promises the day,
just for dusk to take it away...
So is the hope for many.
As castles of sand stand tall,
'till the tide, as is life, dictates "that's all"...
So is the hope for many.
And as the days pass,
it becomes harder, and harder still-
to play in the sand,
to look to the sunrise,
or notice the butterfly at all.
And so is the hope for me.

Pen in hand, I wonder...
What is there to say?
I know I am not alone, but oh!
doesn't it so often feel that way?
Go ahead and say it is my fault-
I already feel that you do.
I don't blame you for not understanding,
You don't really know unless it's you.

But it's here that I find true release,
because you each know what it's like.
I know I'm not the only one who's done their time
being the Nanny, not the Mommy...
the Caregiver, not the Mommy...
the Teacher, not the Mommy...
the Step-Mom, not the real Mom...
or perhaps, the "Greatest Aunt in the World".

And what of God, in all of this?
Lord, I think we've suffered long enough.
Wasn't it You who placed the longing in us?
Oh, to hear my own child say "Mommy".
I've heard that You will sometimes place
a weakness where there is a strength,
So I thank You, kindly, for the compliment...
but where is my baby?

Where is life as I had hoped,
Where is the life of my dreams?
If one more person says to me,
"Oh you are so young, you have plenty of time."
I am seriously going to scream.
I spend my days counting down to "30",
I never have to worry about "the tide"...
it never comes.
And I've grown awfully fond
of the hair on my chin.
(yeah, right)

So, where is my hope?

There is hope in juicing carrots,
There is hope in drinking barley,
There is hope in organic raw foods,
There is hope in the pavement under my feet...
Every step of the journey, is the journey, afterall.
There is hope in the love of my husband,
And the promises of my God.

And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those
who love Him-
Give thanks in all circumstances-
Seek first His kingdom
and His righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you-
I can do everything through
Him who gives me strength.-
By His stripes, I am healed.

Ladies, we have been so brave.
We have dreampt so big.
We have held onto hope with both hands.
It's time to open those hands,
and share our hope with each other.
One day we just might be
chasing butterflies with our daughters,
and building sandcastles with our sons.

So Much for Fun and Frolic.....

So if i ever see another butterfly needle it will definately be to soon. After 6 vials of blood yesterday and So if I ever see another butterfly needle again it will be to soon. I'm sure I will see another one shortly. I mean 11 or 12 vials of blood in two days couldn't possibly be enough. My arms arm both sore. The lady blew out my vein on the one side so I a have big bruise on one side and it's all hard underneath the skin. Lovely. I basically look like I've been shooting Smack without the benefit of the high. I was told I needed to make an appointment today to get more blood drawn because I had to do a fasting 2 hour glucose test. Yeah....the kind you do when your pregnant. So I took the 7 am appointment because it was right when they opened and since I was going to have to take my 6 year old with me I figured we would be the first ones and then we wouldn't have to wait anymore then the two hours. In theory that all should have worked just as I planned. We got there at 6:55 and there were 6 people already waiting. I didn't know you had to camp out the night before to be the first person in line. I'm still not sure why I had to make a 7am appointment because they never even registered me until 7:45. They took me back and took 5 or so (i lost count) vials out of one arm and then gave me this nasty drink. I had 5 minutes to drink it. I tasted like really really really really really sweet orange kool aid. After all of that my time could start. So needless to say, we didn't get out of there until after 10 o'clock. My son was a trooper. I had him pack a bag with a bunch of things to do and he did really well. It probably also helped that I promised him Pizza Hut afterwards! I was starvin after all I hadn't eatin at all yet.
They called from Shady Grove and said we had to reschedule Glenn's appointment to the following week because their andrologist wasn't going to be in that day.....grrrrrrr. He had already asked off work and I had rearranged my schedule. Okay...so we did that and I have my HSG scheduled for next Thursday. I have to also start on birth control pills for the next 3 weeks. They want to see if that will help to dissolve the cyst that is on my ovary. After 3 weeks they want us to go in and meet with Dr. McKeeby again. I don't know where we will go from there. And these are the days of our lives.........

And so it goes.....

Well, Monday afternoon I got my period. Yes, it finally came. I had no clue it was coming. No cramping or bloating. It was just there. I called Shady Grove and set up my day 3 appt. I just got back from it now. I needed to be in at 7:30 and when I got there it was packed. There was hardly a place to sit in the waiting room. Apparently it was the place to be and I didn't even know it. I sat waiting for the nurse to call my name and I started to look around the room. There was no rhyme or reason to the people sitting there. Not that I expected there to be but I guess it just hit me looking around. Some women were young and some older and all different colors and sizes. It was almost like someone rolled a dice and said, "You, you and you, step to the right. You will have the struggle of infertility in your lives. Everyone else to the left." and there we were. No one looked very happy and after all I guess no one probably was really excited about sitting in a fertillity clinic. I mean of course the dream of having a baby is wonderful but it's the getting there that sucks. Oh and there is something else I have been thinking about this week too. I was perusing some infertility forums and message boards on the computer. Maybe I was hoping to find a magic cure or some support or just another reminder that there are other people in the world dealing with what we are dealing with. I started to feel really bad for the frustration I have had and the feelings that encompass this whole ordeal. There are couples out there that have tried for 10 years or more - pills, injections, IUI, and several rounds of IVF only to end up with nothing...no baby....no gold at the end of the rainbow. It makes me feel selfish that I am as frustrated as I am. Yeah I have been trying to have a baby for years but I haven't actually been actively persuing it for all that time...not in fertility treatments anyway. I got frustrated again today because I thought we were going to be able to start medication this cycle but I guess we won't be able to. I will probably have to induce my period next month and then go from there. In the grand scheme of things for us though that is only one month not 8 years and definately not the end of the line. I knew this was going to take time....Ijust don't want it too. The other thing I noticed that I really never thought about before is that I probably fit more nicely into the Secondary Infertility catagory since I have my little miracle child. I started to think of the contrast between Secondary Infertility and those that are point blank infertile (like I was told I'd be). I guess I feel guilty too that I am so anxious to have another baby when there are women that just want their first one. Ok....so I started thinking about the pro's and con's of both (as if one is any better then the other).

Here is what I came up with.....

Infertility-

Pro's

-they have never felt a baby grow in them so they don't know what they are missing and how wonderful it feels.

-they don't know how it feels to have a child born to them and what a bond that creates and how much we wish it to happen again.

Con's

- They have never even once had the chance to feel the miracle of life growing inside of them.

-They have never gotten that BFP (big fat positive) or the joy and excitement that comes with it.

-They have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative.......

-They have never had the excitement of their child coming into the world....not even once.

Secondary Infertility

Pro's

- I have gotten one negative after another negative after another negative BUT there was a suprise Positive in the middle of them

- I know what it's like to feel the excitment of finding out that I am pregnant.

-I know what it is like to feel my child inside of me, to give birth to it and to hold MY child in my arms.

-I have had the opportunity to watch my child grow and learn and develop and will have that for many years to come.

-I can wrap my arms around my little man whenever I want.

Ok....i need to wipe the tears out of my eyes......

Con's

- All of the things that I listed above as Pro's because I have had that experience and I know how wonderful it feels and I know what I am missing.

-The frustration of "if my body could do it once then why the hell can't it do it again."

- The return of negative after negative after negative....."Sorry your not a winner this time but please try again."

My conclusion.....they both suck, really suck and cause lots of pain and hurt but for very different reasons. I guess I feel like I should be thankful that I had that experience once and I am....I really am but I want to be able to share that with Glenn too. I want that to be a part of our lives and to complete us as well. I guess I'm just being selfish in the end.

So...back to today. I got 6 vials of blood drawn for testing. I believe it was an STD panel and hormone levels again. I am supposed to be getting the results when Dana calls this afternoon. I know the STD test will all come back negative but I'm curious to see what she has to say about my hormone levels. I came home and sceduled blood work for tomorrow morning. I have to do a 2 hour glucose test. I did one when I was pregnant with Owen. Basically I will have to drink this nasty drink and then sit there for two hours and then they can draw the blood. There are some other blood tests that go along with that as well. Between the cycle days 6-12 I have to go to the imaging center and they with check my fallopian tubes. I guess by MRI....I'm not sure. Anyway, next Wed. we have an appointment for Glenn to drop off his sperm sample and he has bloodwork that he needs to have done too. I think his is the STD and hormonal set that I had done today. And after that we can breathe....no more tests for a little while I don't think. After all of that is done we meet with Dr Mceeby again for some more talk. I guess we will take all the "evidence" and decide where we go from there. That wore me out just writing it! Busy times....but that's good because it means we are progressing one step at a time.

Insert Jepordy Song Here......

I finished taking my Provera a week ago today and I haven't gotten my period yet. I don't even feel like it's coming. I had thought I remembered someone previously telling me that it could take up to a week after completing the pills for your period to start. I called Dana on Fri and she said it could take up to two weeks....so I guess I have another week in front of me. I don't remember it ever taking this long for me to get my period after taking the Provera. My mom and I were joking on the phone that my period isn't coming because I am already pregnant....wouldn't that be something. I'm sure it's not an issue...they would have caught it somewhere between the blood work and the ultrasound that I had done the other week I'm sure. Anyway....the wait continues...feeling impatient and sad today.

Another Step Toward Oz

Sooooo....follow the yellow brick road. What is the next step? I called Dana (our case nurse, by the way, I love that we have assigned nurses. It helps us feel more comfortable.) and she said that the next step would be to wait. (WAIT!?!?!? WAIT???? But I don't wanna.....)

I figured this was going to be her response. She said I needed to wait until I was late again (probably about the 21st of July) and call to set up a "no menses" appointment. So I did. Simple as that. Yesterday I went into Shady Grove at stinkin 7am in the morning to have blood drawn as well as a "baseline" ultrasound done. One of the things the blood tests were checking for was my progesterone level. If my progesterone level was high it would mean that I had ovulated and my period was coming right around that corner. (HA! fat chance). If my progesterone level was low it would mean just the opposite and I was supposed to take Provera to induce my period. Lovely. I had been on this medication several times before and it makes me sick but that is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. (Just a side note, you may have heard of Depo-Provera shots for birth control....just the opposite of what I would be taking. It stops your periods.) I was supposed to wait to fill the prescription until a nurse contacted me with the results. (As if we don't all know what the results are going to be.)

The ultrasound....the ultrasound was done to form a baseline for the doctor to follow in the future. The tech explained to me that they would measure my uterus and check out my ovaries and so on and so forth. I could see the screen as I laid there all comfy (NOT!) but of course I had no idea what I was looking at. When she looked at my left ovary she told me it looks like I have two cysts on it. She explained that they are fluid filled pockets on the ovaries and they come and go. Nothing to worry about. (What if she's wrong.....wait...that's a bridge I don't need to cross yet.) Ok....she was done...that was it. Off to work I go.

I got the call I was waiting for mid afternoon. The nurse told me that, and this is exactly what she said, "It looks like a period is nowhere in the near future for you." To which I replied, verbatim, "Shocker!" (dripping with sarcasm of course.) She laughed and said to fill my prescription. So that is where we are in the process. I need to take the Provera for 10 days and then my period should start. I need to call them on day one to set up an appointment for day 3 so they can do more testing. Sooooo here's to modern medicine.....could someone please pass the Provera bottle?

Another peek into my mind...

We got the letter in the mail about our insurance covering our prescreening. I think we got it last week and it took me until this Wednesday to call Shady Grove to find out our next step. I kept forgetting to call for some reason. This is so important to us and I kept forgetting and I couldn't understand why. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I am more scared then I have let on. Scared to proceed because it may fail again. Scared to hear bad news. Scared to be slapped in the face AGAIN with the reality of our situation. Scared that we will not be able to have the child/children we so desperately want. I am scared to death that it just won't happen for us. As Glenn would say "let's not put the cart before the horse" but as a woman I think it is so difficult to feel that your body is failing in this way. I think or I have heard that men feel like their manhood is in question if they can't reproduce but for woman that maternal pull is so strong that it is difficult to deal with. I think there is a certain comfort in sitting here at the computer and typing entry after entry about how I CAN'T have children. How I have looked at 20,000 negative pregnancy tests. There is a certain comfort in not dealing with it. I did call Shady Grove and left a message with our nurse but she is out of the office until Monday so we will wait and see what the next step is.
The other thing that has been haunting me and has been ever since I had gastric bypass is the whole issue of my weight. I was standing in front of the mirror the other day and realized that I am petrified to gain weight. My weight has been an issue all of my life and 2.5 years ago I had gastric bypass and lost 140 pds. Most people think that gastric bypass is the easy way out but it isn't and it isn't a cure all. It helps you get the weight off but it is possible to stretch out your stomach again and gain your weight back. I am terrified to gain weight again because I don't want to end up where I was. I know this probably sounds so selfish and I realize that it is. What could be more wonderful then our baby and I know in the long run it would be worth it all and more besides but it is definitely something I am going to have to deal with and work through. People tell me that if I breast feed and watch what I eat while I'm pregnant I'll be fine but that didn't work the first time. I didn't lose weight after. I kept gaining and gaining until I could hardly walk. I have been trying to watch my weight and lose a little extra that I have put on since surgery. I have lost 5 pounds since our wedding in May. I would like to loose 5 more pounds and I'll be happy....just more things that are running through my mind....

To have loved and lost.....

I got an email today that absolutely floored me. One of my friends emailed me and opened up to me about some very personal things. I feel blessed that she was able to tell me about these things. I asked her if I could repost her email here and she agreed. I wanted to post it here because it helped me refocus. I have never been in this situation and I hope I never am. God bless her and her little girls. They say that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.....I'm not so sure that's always true:

I am posting this in remembrance to two very precious lives and those they touched:

Okay. Good. I know that I was talking about pregnancy with you and I didn't know if that upset you. The reason I only have one child is because in 2000 I was pregnant with girls and I was so excited. I went into premature labor when I was 7 months and there due date was July 11th. I gave birth to them and they only lived a short time. One lived for 3 days and the other for a little over a week. One had a heart condition, the other developed an infection. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. The anniversary of their would be birthday is coming up and it is very difficult for me around this time. My boyfriend ( who would have been the girls father) is taking me away that weekend because he knows it is a hard time for me. It is also hard when the date of their "birth" comes around but that has already passed. My girls are buried in the same cemetery as my father and my brother so I like to think that they take care of each other. My daughters names are Mia Christina and Lillie Ana and I really miss them. They were a week away from being 8 months when they were born. I know that is why my boyfriend is afraid for me to get pregnant again because he is afraid of the same thing happening. I go to visit them when i visit my dad and my brother. I also visit them on the day they were "born". My family says it is unhealthy but I don't know what else to do, I just don't want to forget them. For a brief time they were here, a part of the world, a part of life, and they will always be a part of me. Every year for earth day my son and I plant 2 trees in honor of them. Well, I'm rambling on, I'll talk to you soon.
XOXOXOXO